Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Did she jump or was she pulled?

The upcoming full Cold Moon is pulling me in. Visible through the day as well as at night, this one seems to have a mental tractor beam on me. It's been telling me I only have until Saturday to decide. That I need to make some decisions, even if they're only short term. I stood in the dark field this evening and could not take my eyes off this moon. All I could hear was,'Time's running out...are you ready? You've got two days to prepare.'

For the last week or so - perhaps since the new moon now that I think of it - I've had the feeling that I'm standing, again, on the edge of a cliff. I know on some level that I should jump but every time I've approached this point before I have dithered and missed my chance. This isn't a jump in a negative sense, it's just a jump that would leave behind some aspects of who I have been. Leave them behind forever (gasp). These aspects are/were genuine, real parts of me that are no longer needed. There are new ones ready to be taken for a spin. New wings that haven't yet taken me to the air. I should jump; that much is clear.

And yet the dithering is there in the background. Way quieter this time but still, wondering where it is I think I'm going to land. What will happen? What can I plan for? What should I do to be ready for the flight? What should I pack? Do I need shots? And, here's a big one, how will I explain it to people who know me? The dithery me is fine, in theory, with the jumping, she just seems to need to fill in some forms first. Make some lists. Know stuff.

And now my intuition, my guides, my gut...all telling me that I can't know. That's kind of the point. And pointing out that I'm not going to be jumping far; this is more like a hop. The big stuff is already established. This jump is all about the faith, the trust, the confidence and the readiness to leave the old ways behind. Knowing only that there are new ways ready and waiting...I just can't see them in advance.

I need some time to meditate on this. To feel my way around it and relax. Except there's the small matter of a busy life in the way. I'm working at my desk job Thursday and Friday. Evie needs me doing stuff with her (nine year olds stay up as late as I do it seems - gone are my hours of quiet in the evening). Saturday is Beagle Day so I'm busy until early afternoon and then...dinner, family, dogs, life. All the things I'm so lucky to have. And yet, honestly, today I feel as if I would really benefit from three days alone somewhere, just me and the moon.

I am not ready. I haven't dusted off my faith and trust. Can't remember where I left either of them. I'm not feeling calm or prepared in any way.

Of course Saturday may come and go with absolutely nothing happening. In which case I shall no doubt believe that I have again missed my chance to jump. Even though I have no idea what 'jump' actually means in this context.

Two nights ago I dreamt I was in a high building looking out of the window. Level with the window I could see a heron flying but held in one place by a head wind it couldn't beat. Now and then it would circle back and try again but still it flew 'on the spot'. I called out to people to come and watch but only I could see it. There was no struggle for the heron, it was almost play. I think this is something I need to think on. Before Saturday.

No wonder they say La Luna, when full, brings out the lunatic in us all. I'm spinning like a top.

1 comment:

  1. No helpful suggestions, but a cup of tea and a hug. I'm spinning too. This too shall pass.