2014 has, so far, been an important year for me. From the peaceful dream-magic of winter; the new life of spring that came accompanied by failing health; a summer full of rediscovered strength and uncovered power and now autumn...settling in to questions about healing and how we play our part in enabling it to happen.
My health is good but my father's is failing. I'm finding this hard to deal with because our relationship is so...so...US. And I worry there may not be time to ensure he knows that, despite it all, I love him and even if I tell him, within a couple of days he won't remember the conversation. There is still hope that he can regain some strength and clarity but today has been tough. He has fear in his eyes and, as usual, I want to fix it for him. Fix him. Fix bloody everything.
I can't of course.
In a response to Mel's post yesterday I wrote"I think all we can do for now is love what we can reach, and call out to like-minded souls in the hope our hands will meet one day." An hour or so later I opened up Pinterest and saw, at the top of my feed, a quote from Clarissa Pinkola Estes which read,"Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach." Not gonna lie. Felt pretty damn validated. Heh.
I believe I am finally ready to learn how to use reiki as one of the ways I can love. The issues that held me back - quite rightly because I would have made a poor practitioner with a heart that held doubt - are resolved. I have learned, am learning, am shedding the need for certainty. So the last quarter of this year will be given in part to studying to be a reiki master. Then I just need to do it for a few decades in order to achieve mastery. Maybe! A large part of this is letting go of the need to fix. I cannot bear suffering and the urge to just STOP it is strong. I don't believe I should eradicate that trait but I need to make room for other outcomes, other ways, other possibilities.
I will try to simply love what I can reach - including my father - and believe that it makes a difference even if I don't get to witness it.