This is the fifth time I've opened a Blogger window to write a post. Specifically this post. Knowing the only way to get something done is to just start, I'm just starting.
This year I had a winter of staying home, literally and figuratively. I withdrew from the internet a little and lowered my expectations of myself. Allowed myself to 'live winter': rest, assess, relax, plan, be in quietness. Spring came and I got the usual fire in my belly as the sun got higher but every time I approached a path I'd get a feeling of,'Yeah that's really good and all but no, it's not that one. Don't do that. Step away. It's coming.' Not a big drama, just a gentle nudge and a kind reminder of..something.
I chose to be patient - not easy for me - and just see what happened. What came to me on the waves. And while I waited I focused on my day-to-day life. I tried to really experience the good and bad, the gratitude and the frustration, and most of all to recognise that it is unique. And in this form, finite.
Recurring themes began to rise to the surface:
- Passing 50 and the perception of that in the media and our society
- My own health and fitness
- Animal welfare, veganism etc
- My spirituality.
Still I had no particular pull to bring it all together and act. But in the meantime I was working on my health, eating better, sleeping more, meditating and I am now in a better place. If being barely capable of movement, and forgetting my own name three days a week is Ground Zero I got there. I stayed there. And then I went to my doctor. And then I took responsibility. And now, if peak health is 100, I'm probably on about 19 and a bit.
And suddenly I'm aware that the way I was feeling was not just 'getting older' or 'being perimenopausal' or 'just life'. It was living inside a body that had been quietly abused and ignored for many years. Even the 12 years I was a fitness professional I was drinking and smoking (not just cigarettes). Despite being a vegetarian for 25 years I have eaten mountains of crap.
As John Hurt once said: no more. I can be so much better and so much more than 19 and a bit.
It's never to late to change. To evolve.
This is my evolution. My revolution.
The revolution of me.