Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Expecto patronum

The rational part of my mind tells me that a woman of my age has to face up to her second hormonal storm before emerging on the other side as someone quite a lot different, just as she did as a teenager. And that this storm may be beginning by turning my migraine into a monster. Certainly, it is worse if less frequent. Perhaps it is lower serotonin levels since I came off SSRIs and then, more recently, broke my SAD lamp. Perhaps it is the bizarre weather. Perhaps it is all the above and more.

And then another part of me says,'Well if you will go doing releasing rituals, calling in yew trees and other powerful energies, in the presence of two swans, you should not be surprised if you find yourself deep in a healing crisis where things get worse before they get better'. After all, what I was trying to release was a lifetime - in fact lifetimes because some of it is inherited - of fear. And some of this stuff was dark and traumatic.

Recovering from the physical and emotional battering I took from Monday's migraine, my brain felt bruised and sore. I was exhausted. Worst of all, was the fear. During the attack (good word) I was beset by memories of sad things and 'bad' things swirling around me like JK Rowling's dementors (surely she must be a migraineur to have created them). Yesterday, out of the blue, I'd still feel waves of fear of bad things happening. Horror movie things. Low serotonin levels are key in depression and anxiety so maybe it was that. But...maybe this fear is taking its sweet time leaving me, dragging its nails down my insides as it clings to me.

Today the waves are gentler, fading. I calmed myself last night by thinking that this aside, I am in a very good place. I have so much good around me, so much love. And I have optimism and hope, exciting plans even, after this winter of quiet examination and play. I also have wolf and hawk. I wouldn't mess with them.

And it occurred to me that as a light shines brighter, so the surrounding darkness becomes more defined. The stronger the sun, the darker and clearer the shadows. And that's all it is. All it is.


  1. I deeply empathize with the things you described here. Last week was a hellish healing time for me, beset by nightmares, migraines, and overwhelming fear. I like how you said that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. That is what happened. :-) Deep healing needed to take place and I had to flounder around in darkness for a while for it to happen. Now I'm in the light

  2. I don't know about you, but I also find that witnessing my own ability to take a deep breath, stick my chin up and just keep walking through the crazy makes me feel good. I forget sometimes that I can be a force to be reckoned with : ) I laugh in the face of dementors : ) Glad you're back in the light.

  3. Your storytelling and candor, even (especially?) of the darker places, make me feel so at home. I love you.